Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize