Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
