Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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