It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
