we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
