I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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