my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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