is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
