Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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