She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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