I'm jealous of your bromance
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
where does the pee come out of this thing
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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