It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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