Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
