If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
