If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
