So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
