she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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