she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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