I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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