Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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