Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
