i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
