hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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