Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
