I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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