WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
