I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
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My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
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I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.