I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
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It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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