I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
