I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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