There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
