Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
