Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
