i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
