nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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