Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I have peed in a lot of sinks
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
