90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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