dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Sober January is a disaster.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
