how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
