i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
