can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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