my vag is so smooth its legendary
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
