My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
