Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
