Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
