I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
