In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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