I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
