One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
