I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
