for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
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I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
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Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
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