grandma shit on top of the toilet
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
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You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
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The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
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