I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
