You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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