I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing