Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
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He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
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I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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