Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
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Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
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He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.