I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.