can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
The beer is more important than you right now.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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