you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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