he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
