Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I understand Curling. That high.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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