Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
