I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
