How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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